Overthinking
Thursday, 5 February 2015 | 0 comments
A friend told me the other day to stop over thinking
"HA HA HA HA"
That’s like telling a girl not to put on makeup before going
out, teenage boy to not think about sex, or a Korean to stop playing League of
Legends.
Nah but seriously, I've got 99 problems and around 83.6 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason...
Paralysis of Analysis
Over thinking is the absolute worst. It leaves your mind with a clutter of negative thought that slowly eat away at you. It lingers and thrives on the worries and doubts that harbor in your mind. Mine has come to a point where my minds is just JHSJDHSF.
I, for one, care way too much about the opinions that others have of me. I feel as though that my self-worth is dependent by others judgement. You could compare my life to a circus attraction, in which I must always find new ways to entertain or please in order to get a round of applause, even for just a little while.
Sometimes I just sit here and wonder why I'm being 'seen-zonded'. My thought process is as follows:
> Is it because I'm not important enough, or are you doing something?
>But if you are doing something you should be done by now and chuck me a nude reply.
>But you haven't.
>SO I SUSPECT I AM NOT WORTHY OF A REPLY.
>I'll even accept a "K" at this point.
>THROW ME A BONE.
>Maybe I should send a message!
>But that would mean I would be sending two messages in a row.
>That would make me seem desperate??.
>but i am desperate.
>but i am desperate.
>NO! If she wants to talk to me, she will talk to me.
>But if she doesn't then she doesnt. I will let her decide.
> no convo ever again (UNLESS THEY NEED SOMETHING FROM ME)
And that is how I lose touch with friends....
P.S. Kirsten is a bitch
P.S. Kirsten is a bitch
Come join the Masquerade
Saturday, 24 May 2014 | 0 comments
My friend shared some of Oscar Wilde’s wisdom today
“Give someone a mask and they’ll show their true face”
Social Masks
And I couldn't agree more. Presenting a certain face to the
world is something that we are all familiar with. Everyone acts differently
around different people for different reasons. Be it social acceptance, to be
liked, hide excitement, happiness, vulnerability, the truth, fear, anger,
sadness, depress, pain. Maybe even to manipulate and deceive.
For me, donning a masks helped me to express the more hidden
aspect of myself. A way of letting loose without feeling fearful or self-conscious.
These masks were an avenue of transformation and self-discovery. The feeling is
empowering.
There are times we need to be the rock of strength for those
around us, even when we ourselves struggle. Putting on a social mask of
certainty and strength gives confidence to those around you and makes you feel
confident.
-fortified and impenetrable, I appear ominous, daunting, and
invincible, prepared to conquer the world-
Don’t we all want to feel like this
all the time?
The Temptation of Social Masks
The problem is that these false social masks can become
molded to our faces and become permanent parts of ourselves.
Ponder with me. I’m always asking
“who am I really?”
And every single time, I can never give a definite answer. I
only have who I am with loved ones, who I appear to be with friends and how I portray
myself to strangers.
It’s easy to put on a mask to transform into someone else,
but its harder to change who we really are. The masks becomes the source of our
power and confidence instead of that power coming from within.
The daunting problem with a constant false front is that the
relationships we make while wearing it are inevitably… inauthentic. The people
interact with your alter ego instead of the real you.
Taking off the Mask
Masks can both conceal and reveal. We should be careful not
to let these facades mold to our faces so that we can’t take them off.
Try cultivating friendships and relationships that allow us
to drop the pretense and be ourselves.
These are the kinds of close relationships that provide
pockets of relief and sanity; they allow us to be open and vulnerable and are
absolutely essential.
In cultivating our inner values; pride, confidence and
strength. These values do not originate from a mask, they flourish within.
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Oscar Wilde
Reason being?
Thursday, 15 May 2014 | 0 comments
But what was the reason? I NEED a reason so that I can move
on. It was so sudden, I didn't even see it coming at all.
How could she just
want that, and without a discussion too? She… lied to me.
I was forced to believe that everything was okay. How do you just lose interest?
There has to be a reason for it. How can things just plummet down without my
awareness? Was I so ignorant towards you?
But I did my best didn't I? If my best wasn't enough, then
what does it take?
I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I didn't want to want
to seem paranoid, so I overlooked any speculation.
But then you called it off, with so much conviction
too. As if you were bottling it up until
it became unbearable.
Wait… this… is a joke. Yeah, that’s it. It’s just a prank
right? "
But it wasn't. It was reality. It was just simple puppy love
to you, just “temporary fun” so to speak. That was your reason, the reason you
chose to close the door. And you know what.
For a period of time I did believe you. The short time we
shared together, I learned to trust you wholeheartedly. I don’t know why. I
just… did. But now, I have come to realise that the words you told me are far
different from what you tell others.
“When people stop talking to you, they start
talking about you” – anonymous
The reason you told me was far different to what you tell
others. And what pains me more is that it is too true.
“Sensitive and weird”
Sure. I can see why with my interests and views on things.
But what I fail to comprehend is why you did not repeat those words to me? Am I
not good enough for the truth? Do you think because I’m sensitive I’ll die? Hmm.
I wonder… Always wondering what’s going on through that creative mind of yours.
Probably not me. Because we’re “much too different”.
Very Different
I must admit my faults. I was a bit TOO emotional, a bit TOO
attached, bit TOO weird and bit TOO rushed. But you made me happy, and I loved
that feeling. And I still do hold feelings for you.
The scary thing is that I just don’t know how you feel about
this. You could be feeling gloomy, cheerful or, who knows, maybe even accomplished.
Because I know, that you’re very good at hiding your true emotions.
I don’t know how long these feelings will last, but for the time
being, it’s still present. Hoping that in the unknown that there’s still a chance
that this flower bud may bloom once more.
Time
Sunday, 9 February 2014 | 0 comments
Hello Friend! Did you miss me? Because I’ve missed you! How
did you spend your time today? I don’t know about you but recently I’ve been lazy
and unmotivated, literally scrolling my life away through Tumblr, YouTube and Facebook newsfeeds.
I was scrolling, scrolling and scrolling through the endless
news feed laying on my man boobies faced down, when I was
startled by a Facebook chat notification. The message went along the lines of “Would
you like to hang out tomorrow?”. Obviously I would have accepted, but the
strange thing was… I didn’t. I had
no idea why I was hesitant, but to dodge the bullet, I ended up replying “Sorry,
I don’t have time.”
“Sorry, I don’t have time.”
"I don’t have time.”
"time.”
Hypocritical... I know...
And I don’t know if you do this, or if its just me, but I'm afraid to admit that I have used this excuse one too many times, not only with
friends, but with myself.
Not enough time to exercise. Not enough time to cook healthy
meals. Not enough time to clean. Not Enough time to spend time with friends.
Sound familiar to you?
But did you know the concept of “not
having time” is a simple lie?
While I was at church this morning, the priest brought to
light the true value of time, and how powerful it can be, if put into
perspective.
Watch how quickly your perspective shifts when looking at
life’s challenges this way:
“I’d love to socialise with friends and new people, I just don’t
have time” becomes “relations with friends is not a priority”
“I’d love to work out
and get aesthetic, I just don’t have time” becomes “becoming aesthetic is not a
priority”
"Its not what we say that is a priority, its what we DO that
is."
Now I ask you, whenever you feel the need to use the lie of “not having time”, ask yourself: "Where do my priorities lie.
Its important
to invest your time equally into your family, friends, work and yourself. If
you devote too much time into another, your life becomes imbalanced. I like to
think of time as water, and the seed that are my life are in need of nurturing. And
if left unattended will wilt away, slowly. So live and love life!
“Time you enjoy wasting, is time not wasted” – Bertrand
Russel.
P.S. If you don’t have time for Valentines Day, I’m with you
all the way <3
Expectation
Saturday, 1 February 2014 | 0 comments
"What do you expect of yourself?"
A few years back, I would have always set the lowest of the
low expectations for myself because I was a fat shut in that would indulge in
tablespoons of Nutella surfing the internet in all it's cat filled glory.
The result of this prolonged activity? A round ball of
disappointment... Disappointing my friends, family, but more importantly
myself...
Now, let me share something with you. One of the reasons why I had the assumption that I don't deserve any better goes a long
like this.
I had a crush on a girl, let's call her Brunette. Brunette was eating with her friends in the designated lunch area, while I would
watch her from a distance (DONT YOU BE JUDGING MY YOUNGER SELF) playing
handball. Sometimes she would glance over to my area and my face would
instantly flush red despite my dark complexion.
And I don't know whether the planets where aligned perfectly
that day but the heavens smiled upon me. The ball my friend hit was rolling
over into her direction. I knew that this was my moment to make a move. I felt like a BOSS. I
had the expectation that this was the day I could finally talk to this girl and overcome my social anxiety.
The ball had made its way to her lunch box, oh god the joy
of getting Closer to her, made me squeal. But I didn't notice how much momentum
I built up, and I was quickly approaching her. I felt like the boulder from
Indiana Jones.
I tried to halt in order to stop from hurting her. In the
process of braking, I tripped over my left cankle, and landed on top of her.
Instinctively she pushed me away, but what she said after,
was the worst thing I could have imagined. "Why do you have softer boobs
than mine? Are you a girl?"
Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.
I wanted to better myself, and to do so, I had to change my mindset.
EXPECTATIONS OF 2010
- Gain the ability to see toes
- Run without falling over my cankles
- Be able to make a girl smile
That hair, monochrome style, pose, smile though...
RESULTS FROM 2010
- Gain the ability to see toes CHECKED
- Run without falling over my cankles CHECKED
- Be able to make a girl smile CHECKED
- Recognition as a boy CHECKED
- Socialize with more people CHE--- Work in Progress
So really, I was able to gain more insight in my capabilities of self improvement. Right now, I love the person I've become. Sure I may not be perfect in some ways, but I always strive to improve.
So I leave you with this: I want you to
know that you should always be exceeding your expectations, why? Because you can!
P.S Expect more from me in future :)
- FK
- FK
